Another good meeting last night. Well, gee, how could any of our meetings be bad when we are amongst others in the same boat?!? As usual, there were a lot of questions from our two newest members. I had to add my two cents on something that was not really a question, but I felt it needed to be said. I was in her shoes not too long ago, so I know the feeling, and in that moment, when I was listening to her say, "but I'm thinking of applying for a job, but what if I have to go through another round of RAI or surgery?..." I was sitting right next to her so I looked her in the eye and said,
"I think you should do whatever you want to do. We can't let our cancer dictate our lives. I was there not too long ago (this is where I started to get choked up a bit). I was lucky to be able to take off four months from work. When I returned last September, my boss was already telling me what my goals and projects were for the rest of the year and this year, and all I could think to myself was 'but what if I have to get another round of RAI or a surgery?!?' I couldn't look past what I had just gone through. But you can't put your life on hold because you are afraid that you may have to go back for more treatment."
Just recently, I realized that I was at that place where I was able to look beyond my cancer. I was almost there during Christmas when during a heated argument with Viv, I had said, "After everything I had to go through this past year, I think I should be able to do anything I want to do, regardless of how reckless or irresponsible it is." At the time, I was half believing it, because I was still worried about the mystery tissue that was uncovered by my ultrasound earlier that month, that I was going to need surgery to remove it if it was thyroid tissue. Then at the start of this year, I had to layout my projects and goals for the year. I couldn't even give myself any due dates because all I could think of was 'but I might need surgery for my mystery tissue, then I have my 1-yr anniversary WBS in May and I'll have to go hypo....' I know, what kind of thinking was that? All I was focusing on was the what if this or what if that scenarios. Everyone around me is telling me to think positive, to not worry. That is so easy to say when you are not the one who is dealing with it. But when you are that person who is living it, it is a completely different story.
It wasn't until my appt with my 2nd opinion ENDO last month that I started to believe that things really are going to be Ok, that I don't have anything to worry about...that it is Ok to make future plans, but most importantly that it is Ok to live my life. Now, I'm not cancer free yet, and I'm not saying that I will never have anything to worry about again, because that would be foolish. But I was finally there, at the point where I wasn't worried about what was going to happen to me with my cancer.
I want to thank my family, friends, co-workers, pretty much everyone for allowing me to get to that point on my own terms. I'm sure there are some of us, cancer patient or not, that can get to that point fairly easily, but I am not one of those people. I am that person that needs to see it to believe it. But I believe it now. I am no longer letting my cancer dictate my life.
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