My latest freak out issue is what if I need to go through surgery again? I don't want to do that again. Or, what if I have to have surgery and RAI every year?

Got a call from my ENDO's office. She said both my ENDO & ENT agree that I need a follow-up ultrasound. Right, it has already been scheduled for Jan 27.

Last year's blood work

I finally found my lab report from last November - I thought I lost it! To review, last November (2009), at my annual check up, my PCP noticed that the left side of my thyroid was larger that it should be. Included in my blood work were my TSH, Free T4, and Total T3. My ENDO has not requested a Total T3 yet, so I have no idea what my current numbers are for that, but below are the results from last year and my current levels for TSH and FT4:

Blood work 11/09
TSH 2.25 (range .34 - 4.82)
FT4 .72 (range .55 - 1.20)
TT3 124 (range (60-181)

So, my levels look great, don't they? But we all know now that there was something really wrong going on with my thyroid. I remember being told that my levels were within range, and this is probably why my ENDO thought, earlier this year, that it was probably benign, and he'd just have to watch it to make sure it didn't grow, or turn malignant. So keep in mind that even if your thyroid levels look fine, there could be something really wrong going on with it.

Blood work 12/10
TSH .01 (range .35 - 5.5)
FT4 1.9 (range .7 - 1.5)

My ENDO wants my TSH below 1.0, which I still think is way too high. Everything I have read and everyone on the ThyCa listserv and in my support group meetings have all been told that it needs to be below .5, to be safe; less than .01 is too low. My FT4 is still too high; to bring it down, T4 dosage (Levoxyl, Synthroid, Armour, etc.) is usually reduced. However, lowering my Levoxyl dosage still has not lowered my FT4 level. I am at 125mcg right now. I'm suffering from really bad Thyroid brain fog right now, but not sure what is causing it yet.

How does my neck look? 12/26/10

It's been too long since my last scar post. I did manage to take a few shots of my scar since the last post, but just never got around to uploading and commenting on it. This one it taken from a lower angle than usual. I seem to use more photos of my scar that are taken looking down on the scar as opposed to looking straight on, or from a lower angle. I've been trying to find a good one that shows the redder tone of my scar, but it never seems to look that red in any of the photos. I saw some photos from May, when my sisters were in town after my first surgery. Wow - it was very prominent, dark, and looked thicker. It is amazing how much better it looks seven months later. How did people not see it before? I wasn't hiding out at home the whole time, and I most definitely did not cover it up! Interesting. Anyway, how does my neck look?

Merry Christmas!

Back in May, when I was going through my surgeries and the realization that I had not one, but two kinds of thyroid cancer, Christmas seemed so far away. It was the last thing on my mind. Now that is it Christmas, it is still the last thing on my mind. But I have to pause and remember how blessed I am. No matter what kind of a year you have had (I bet you can't top mine this year!!!), remember to enjoy the holidays, your family, and your health.

Not much of a run this evening. Still don't like the way the Nike Lunar shoes feel on my feet. I like the Lunar Trainers I own, but these other ones not so much

Financial relief: My 401k hardship withdrawal was approved! I can pay off my last two medical bills tomorrow. Another thing I can now put behind me for this yr.

Rain and radiology appts

It has been raining non-stop here since this past weekend. The only good thing about it is that it has not been too cold this whole time. It should start to clear up on Thursday, but it is not soon enough. Not too big on running in the rain, and that is most likely what I will be doing at run club this evening. It is also a shoe-trial run (Nike Lunar Eclipse, or something like that), so I wonder if we will still get to run in the trial shoes if the shoes are certain to come back wet and muddy.

Finally got a call from the radiology dept for my follow up ultrasound. Once again I will have my mammogram and neck ultrasound back to back, this time on January 27. Last year, I did the same thing for my first mammogram and neck ultrasound. Hopefully the ultrasound results this time will be a lot better than the results from last year - a few hours after my ultrasound, my doctor's office called to let me know that I had a "left thyroid mass", and they were sending me to specialist. I remember being a little shocked to hear that it wasn't really a roll of fat on my neck, but I also remember not feeling comfortable hearing more words I didn't understand, "left....thyroid....mass...WTF!" was all I could think after that call.

Yeah, I know I can't do anything (like freak out about it) until I have the ultrasound and get the results, but that doesn't mean I won't worry or think about it. Rest assured I am not losing any sleep over it. But, it would have been nice to finish this too eventful year with a positive health outlook. Instead, not only do I end the year with uncertainty, next year has the potential of starting out sucking just as well. You know, I used to say I didn't want to live past 50 so I could completely avoid the downward health spiral that returns the elderly to diapers, but now I wish I had said 40 because then I would have never had to live through this year. Right, another year, another challenge. If I ever thought my life was boring before, nothing will ever compare to the excitement and anxiety I had this year.

So much for getting a picture of the lunar eclipse tonight - can't see anything with all the rain coming down.

Any idea what $55 worth of ribbon looks like? 22 yards with loads of glitter everywhere! It should last me a couple of Christmas', random birthdays, holidays.

Of course, both my PCP and Chiro say not to worry about the scar tissue thing. Would be nice if someone else other than me got freaked out about this stuff.

When my technology fails me

With all the convenience of today's technology, it never seems to surprise me how often it can fail us. Just this past weekend both our wireless printer and DSL modem went out. We got a new Canon Pixma wireless printer and DSL modem/wireless router, I got every thing set up on the wireless network, but we can't seem to receive faxes on the new machine. I'm still not sure that I'm happy with the Canon printer; I still wonder if I should have gone with the Epson Artisan as planned. If I can't get the fax thing going, I may just have to try out the Epson. And if the Epson doesn't work out, then I guess we go back to HP, try out one of their new ePrint machines. Something's gotta work.

ENDO says - part 6

My ultrasound results are probably scar tissue since Tg/TgAB levels are undetectable. But he would like to do another ultrasound in 6 weeks to see if there are any changes to it or not, and also because the Radiologist was not completely confident that it is scar tissue. He said he'll keep my surgeon in the loop, but didn't think I have anything to worry about, he just wanted to be thorough.

For the record, he's only been right once out of three times (CT scan) when he said he didn't think I had anything to worry about.

Another week full of Dr appts. Monday ultrasound appt. Today it's my Dad's Coumadin appt. Tomorrow, annual PCP check-up appt then a chiro appt.

New Levoxyl dosage

My 125mcg pills came in the mail today, so I get to start those tomorrow morning. Hopefully I won't need to go on a lower dose - waste to have so many unused RX bottles.

ENDO says - part 5

My ENDO appt last Friday went well. Never got around to reporting about it this past weekend, so I'll do so now.

My FT4 is still above the range, but he lowered my Levoxyl dosage to 125mcg, and wanted to see how things were in three months. He explained that he started me at a pretty high dose (175mcg), but I seemed to have adjusted to the medication, and he was bringing it down until my levels were good. My symptoms have gotten better (yes, actually had to think about it when he asked how my hypo symptoms were). Well, I have been feeling really drained in the afternoons, but that could also be from lack of sleep and stress, so I didn't say anything. He said I may end up alternating between 125mcg and 137mcg, depending on what my labs looked like in March.

What questions did I have, he asked.....well, I had a few:
1. My second surgery report said I possibly had Hashimoto's on the right side of my thyroid. What about Tg antibodies? Should I be tested for that? He said they normally check for that when you still have a thyroid with a Tg TPO test, or something like that. As for the antibodies, he said he's been running Tg and TgAB tests with all my blood work, and they have all come back, for both, as undetectable.
It would've been nice to know, before now, that he was running both tests at the same time.
2. My papillary tumors were pretty small, but everyone I know (in my ThyCa support group) that had PC tumors also had lymph node invasion. Should I be worried about that? - No, he said, because it would've shown up on my Tg and TgAB tests that he's been doing. He suggested doing a neck ultrasound, to further prove remission. I was happy to hear that, but a little worried that he wasn't even going to do one, when I know that it is routine 6 months after thyroidectomy. So I didn't have to ask this question.
3. How important is it that my FT4 be within range as long as the TSH is where it needs to be? His range for my TSH is below 1 (or was that .1?). Since he started at a high T4 (Levoxyl) dosage for me, that's why he was still lowering it, to bring the FT4 into range.

Before I left, my ENDO mentioned that one of his associates (another Dr in the bldg) said he heard that one of his high school classmates, me, was one of his patients. I was a bit stunned as to how or why I even came up as a topic between them. Well, I don't know who's fingers I'm going to have to break now for that breech of info. First of all, my family doesn't even know the name of my ENDO. Second of all, I don't even talk to anyone from high school or that I went to college with along with the doc in question, so exactly who said something to him is beyond me, but needs a serious beating. Ok, in all honesty, I'd just wish them a really slow, painful death, unless the person who ratted me out is someone I really don't care for - then obviously a beating of some sort would be called for. I felt so violated when I heard those words come out of my ENDO's mouth because I have shared my thyroid cancer journey with only a handful of people outside of my family and really none of them knew me in high school. Well, my ENDO said not to worry because no patient privacy info was breached. I hope not because then I'd really have to find myself a new ENDO.

So, my ENDO had some pretty good news and some pretty shocking news for me last Friday.

Neck ultrasound.... They saw something subtle on right side - could be remnant thyroid, scar tissue....or...??? That's all they could tell me.

Ultrasound appt for my neck. Routine, six months post thyroidectomy.

ENDO appt in a few mins. Just saw my labs from last Friday - TSH .01, FT4 1.8 (1.9 last month). Wonder what he'll say this time.

Why did I cry?

Yesterday during the train ride to LA for my review, I was dreading my 30 minute performance evaluation with my boss. I like meeting with my boss, I just don't think I had as stellar of a year as I did last year or the year before. I'm finally enjoying my job, yet I could not make a dent in the main project that I was charged with. Not so good. And it did not help that I was out for four months.

During my review, which thankfully happened after the holiday gorging fest at a Brazilian steak house, she asked me why I thought I fell short this year. Oh, why did she ask me that question?!? I got a few words out, then just got choked up and started to cry. I wasn't sure if I was crying because I had to actually tell her why my work sucked or if I was embarrassed that I was actually crying because my work sucked. She also wanted to know how those four months that I was out would have made a difference in my accomplishments this year. No one will ever know what could have happened if I wasn't out, but I really just wanted those four months back.

On the train ride home, I tried to figure out why those four months were so significant that I had to cry about it, in front of my boss no less. Well, I want those four months back because they were the hardest ones I have had to live through. Sometimes I wish I could trade four months of hard work being thrown down the drain so long as I never had to hear the words, "It came back positive for cancer." That is why. Because despite the fact that I have accepted that I have thyroid cancer, and have moved on, some part of me still hates the fact that my life is now dictated by a pill that I have to take for the rest of my life. My life stood still for four months this year as I went from girl with inconclusive FNA, to girl with two flavors of ThyCa, to LID, to, RAI, to a CT scan, to TSH and FT4 levels that are not cooperating. There are a ton of other things I would have rather done in those four agonizing yet defining months. That is why I cried.

How does my neck look? 12/9/10

Been pretty busy lately, so I have not taken too many pictures of my scar. It has looked a little on the reddish side lately - maybe from the cold weather? Anyway, how does my neck look?

On a train heading to LA for my performance evaluation and the holiday lunch (Fogo de Chao) for all the SoCal offices. Not expecting much from my eval.

This evening is my first ThyCa support group meeting as a facilitator. I'll be running the show on my own as the other four facilitators can't make it tonight.

I have a cold....

I've been sniffling and sneezing since this past weekend, and it has not gotten better. I had a sore throat for a few of those days at the beginning. I'm constantly feeling cold...Ok, cold, so could I also be hypothyroid?!?, despite the change in my meds a few weeks ago? I got my flu vaccination back in October, so I'm hoping I will be able to avoid getting that sick this season.

I woke up this morning thankful that I'm still on vacation today because I didn't think I'd be able to get up and get ready for work. Been feeling a little better, but now I also feel a bit lightheaded. If things don't turnaround by tomorrow morning, I'll probably call in sick as there is nothing more gross to hear at work other than someone having a hard time breathing, sneezing, and continually blowing their nose!

I'm running with who?!?

At RunClub this evening, I got to run with a lady that runs for Nike. We were asking about her best races - she ran the Boston Marathon finishing, I think she said, in the top 18 overall for women; she's running the Las Vegas Rock n Roll marathon next weekend. She runs about a 6:30 pace, so by the time I finish a mile, the has already finished two miles. She's hoping to make the Olympic marathon trials next year - she said she has to bring her pace down to 6:24 or 6:23 per mile. Wow. As much as it was intimidating having to run with her (or rather, behind her), it was also inspiring to hear how she trains, what she eats (the night before, the morning of a race), and how she got to where she is. 

In other news, we got a VitaMix machine today! I tried to make tortilla soup in it. It wasn't quite as good as what the demonstration lady made, but it was still pretty good. We can even make ice cream in it! I'm really excited about it, and hope we get a lot of good use out of it. It'll come in really handy for me next spring when I'm on the LID (low-iodine diet) before my 1-yr whole body scan. I can make my own almond milk, which will be good since I won't be able to have any dairy products while I'm on the LID.

Just the news I really needed to get today! - my application for financial aid from my hospital was approved for partial coverage. I only owe $993 now. Relief.