Why did I cry?

Yesterday during the train ride to LA for my review, I was dreading my 30 minute performance evaluation with my boss. I like meeting with my boss, I just don't think I had as stellar of a year as I did last year or the year before. I'm finally enjoying my job, yet I could not make a dent in the main project that I was charged with. Not so good. And it did not help that I was out for four months.

During my review, which thankfully happened after the holiday gorging fest at a Brazilian steak house, she asked me why I thought I fell short this year. Oh, why did she ask me that question?!? I got a few words out, then just got choked up and started to cry. I wasn't sure if I was crying because I had to actually tell her why my work sucked or if I was embarrassed that I was actually crying because my work sucked. She also wanted to know how those four months that I was out would have made a difference in my accomplishments this year. No one will ever know what could have happened if I wasn't out, but I really just wanted those four months back.

On the train ride home, I tried to figure out why those four months were so significant that I had to cry about it, in front of my boss no less. Well, I want those four months back because they were the hardest ones I have had to live through. Sometimes I wish I could trade four months of hard work being thrown down the drain so long as I never had to hear the words, "It came back positive for cancer." That is why. Because despite the fact that I have accepted that I have thyroid cancer, and have moved on, some part of me still hates the fact that my life is now dictated by a pill that I have to take for the rest of my life. My life stood still for four months this year as I went from girl with inconclusive FNA, to girl with two flavors of ThyCa, to LID, to, RAI, to a CT scan, to TSH and FT4 levels that are not cooperating. There are a ton of other things I would have rather done in those four agonizing yet defining months. That is why I cried.

How does my neck look? 12/9/10

Been pretty busy lately, so I have not taken too many pictures of my scar. It has looked a little on the reddish side lately - maybe from the cold weather? Anyway, how does my neck look?

On a train heading to LA for my performance evaluation and the holiday lunch (Fogo de Chao) for all the SoCal offices. Not expecting much from my eval.

This evening is my first ThyCa support group meeting as a facilitator. I'll be running the show on my own as the other four facilitators can't make it tonight.

I have a cold....

I've been sniffling and sneezing since this past weekend, and it has not gotten better. I had a sore throat for a few of those days at the beginning. I'm constantly feeling cold...Ok, cold, so could I also be hypothyroid?!?, despite the change in my meds a few weeks ago? I got my flu vaccination back in October, so I'm hoping I will be able to avoid getting that sick this season.

I woke up this morning thankful that I'm still on vacation today because I didn't think I'd be able to get up and get ready for work. Been feeling a little better, but now I also feel a bit lightheaded. If things don't turnaround by tomorrow morning, I'll probably call in sick as there is nothing more gross to hear at work other than someone having a hard time breathing, sneezing, and continually blowing their nose!

I'm running with who?!?

At RunClub this evening, I got to run with a lady that runs for Nike. We were asking about her best races - she ran the Boston Marathon finishing, I think she said, in the top 18 overall for women; she's running the Las Vegas Rock n Roll marathon next weekend. She runs about a 6:30 pace, so by the time I finish a mile, the has already finished two miles. She's hoping to make the Olympic marathon trials next year - she said she has to bring her pace down to 6:24 or 6:23 per mile. Wow. As much as it was intimidating having to run with her (or rather, behind her), it was also inspiring to hear how she trains, what she eats (the night before, the morning of a race), and how she got to where she is. 

In other news, we got a VitaMix machine today! I tried to make tortilla soup in it. It wasn't quite as good as what the demonstration lady made, but it was still pretty good. We can even make ice cream in it! I'm really excited about it, and hope we get a lot of good use out of it. It'll come in really handy for me next spring when I'm on the LID (low-iodine diet) before my 1-yr whole body scan. I can make my own almond milk, which will be good since I won't be able to have any dairy products while I'm on the LID.

Just the news I really needed to get today! - my application for financial aid from my hospital was approved for partial coverage. I only owe $993 now. Relief.