Things I wanted to do

Have been thinking about the many things that I had hoped to accomplish or do during my time off, in addition to recovering from surgery and just getting over the whole ThyCa thing. I was supposed to:

- Read and work on things mentioned in the "Cancer: 50 Essential Things To Do" book.
- Adapt an anti-cancer diet. This pretty much died after my ENDO said he didn't think it would make a difference for my cancer.
- Reorganize my room. I managed to work on parts of my room, but it's still a pretty big mess!
- Take a relaxing trip. All my money has been going to my medical bills, so I wasn't able to do anything 'nice' for myself
- Get more hours of sleep each day. I am still having problems sleeping for more than 4 or 5 hours each night.
- Have a better attitude about my ThyCa. I actually think I have accomplished this. I still have moments where I break down and cry, but not as often. Depression doesn't help.
- Take on a few different activities, namely rock climbing and capoeira. I'm actually going to get the chance to do the rock climbing tomorrow night! And I can't forget that I actually read a few books (including the Hunger Games trilogy) during and after RAI, so I am starting to enjoy reading (which I normally associate with studying, not entertainment).
- Take better care Frankie, with daily walks and weekly baths. I'm getting there on this one.

I'm a little depressed thinking that I didn't do that much during my time off, but then I remember part of that time my energy was focused on my dad and his health issues. The entire month of May I was dealing with recovery from two surgeries and two ThyCa diagnoses, the scar on my neck, the soreness of my neck and body, the uncertainty, telling my closest friends and a handful of co-workers of my diagnosis. In June I was worried about preparation for RAI and my on-going treatment - meds, blood tests, annual scans....all the things I'd have to incorporate into my life to make sure it doesn't come back, or what to do if it did come back. The beginning of July was consumed with RAI/WBS, isolation, puffy neck, non-glowing pee, having to take thyroid meds for the rest of my life, the Hunger Games books, starting to exercise again. The beginning of August was the closest I got to a vacation since I had family in town, I watched a lot of swimming, had significant worries about my WBS results but all turned out to be Ok. Now, with just two days left of my four months off I'm struggling to hold on to something that tells me I'm normal again, something that proves to me that I didn't squander my time off on self pity/loathing. I'm starting to feel depressed again, but I still don't know if that's me really just being depressed or if I'm starting to PMS again. Things are so not 'normal' yet.

I have been working on my back story for the past four months. People in my personal support group have been giving me ideas of what I should say to people when they ask me where I've been for the past couple of months. It has ranged from giving the most absurd story ('I was attacked by a plastic knife wielding crazy lover, hence the scar, so no I won't be marrying him'), just tell them 'it's none of their damn business', a nicer version would be to tell them 'it was a personal matter and I have a lot of work to catch up on'. I could also say 'I was out for a personal family matter; I used to cover my scar with concealer make up, but in light of the personal stuff going on I decided to stop covering it up'. I could also just tell them that I don't know WTF they are talking about and walk away. My boss told me that if I don't want to talk about it people will understand and respect that. So the last idea just might work.

Regarding the scar itself, everyone tells me they can barely see the scar, but I can see it, and I know it is there, so I have a hard time not paying attention to it. When I look in the mirror, I look right at it every time, I rarely look at my face anymore. How does everyone not see it?!? I know, don't get ahead of myself.... breathe in and out...try not to think too much about it.....